Recently I learned that one of my uncles passed away — one of my dad’s brothers who battled Parkinson’s disease and dementia for a number of years. The last time I saw him was at dad’s funeral in 2005. The news, not unexpected, is still hard for family and friends. It is never easy to live with and care for a family member experiencing illness that brings physical and mental decline. My thoughts and prayers are with my aunt and cousins and their families, knowing that this event and the circumstances leading up to it have been filled with challenge and distress. They must all be exhausted in addition to the pain and grief associated with such a profound loss. My own family of origin understands the pattern of decline and care all too well…
The classic book, On Death and Dying, written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, is a resource to turn to when faced with death and dying. Many of us have read this book, written in 1969, but I recommend rereading it during difficult times. The five stages of grief model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) that Kubler-Ross talks about is reassuring to grab hold of in those moments when we feel disconnected from our lives and lost in the world. Her words and insights remind us of the process we can expect to go through in the coming days, weeks, and months, often longer. This model is also transferable to personal change and emotional upset resulting from factors other than death and dying.
The following link gives much more detail about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her five stage grief model.
http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has written a number of excellent books. One of my favorites, written in 1997, is The Wheel of Life: A Memoir of Living and Dying. This is a fascinating book to read as it chronicles a life lived passionately, compassionately, and well, according to Richard Hoffman of the New Age Journal. Her story is an adventure of the heart — powerful, controversial, inspirational — a fitting legacy of a powerful life. Kubler-Ross is a world renowned medical doctor, psychiatrist, and thanatologist known for her work with children and AIDS patients. She is credited with bringing the hospice movement to the United States.
When I lose someone or something of value I try to direct my thoughts in some way to memories of gratitude. This helps me cope with grief and loss, bringing comfort and purpose to what may make no sense in the moment. When thinking about the death of my uncle, the following story quickly comes to mind, and serves as a significant memory of his life…
My uncle and aunt had been married a few years with two small boys. They had a third son, and I recall shortly after his birth a nice weekend visit to my family home. To this day I can vividly remember the thrill of holding such a little baby, who I believe, firmly endeared me to newborn infants. He was darling, so sweet! But during that visit I felt an unusual “dis-ease” about my uncle and aunt, something that was not typical of them. They were tense and anxious. Troubled in some way… Only being about eight years old at the time, I could only sense something “different,” not aware of what might be going on. After the visit I told my parents of my awareness that something had changed about my uncle and aunt. My parents shared with me that the family had received news that the new baby had some heart complications. They were concerned as well… A few weeks later the baby died.
As a small kid I felt so very sad. Later, as a grown adult, I can only imagine how awful that loss must have been for my relatives…
I never had the opportunity to talk to my uncle and aunt about that profound experience in their lives, the death of an infant son, but I have the utmost respect and admiration for how they moved forward with their lives, raised their two older sons, and later had two more children. Today I stand in awe of what they must have gone through as a family so long ago — how painful that loss must have been. My uncle and aunt somehow survived my worst nightmare — losing a child.