Navigating Change

Debi Levine, MS, LMFT

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Family Routines and Rituals

July 9, 2020 by Debi

Family rituals and routines bring families closer together. As I share stories in the part of my blog called It’s All Bubba’s Fault! you hear a lot about the rituals and routines that have been so important to me and my family over the years. We all have them… Some are funny, some are ridiculous, many are annoying, and others are terribly important and special.

Research has focused on how family routines and rituals

  1. draw family members together in daily life
  2. increase contact with family members across generations
  3. contribute to psychological health and well-being

Rituals and routines are especially important during periods of transition and stress.

                                       Routines

Routines are defined as patterned interactions, occurring regularly on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, that accomplish a practical goal. (Fiese, 2002)

Characteristics of routines include:

  1. usually no strong emotional investment in routines
  2. little thought about them after completed
  3. ways to get things done
  4. a means to an end
  5. can be changed if more efficient or useful ways present themselves
  6. are usually very important
  7. represent structure and organization to life, especially during times of transition
  8. intimate family routines appear to contribute strongly to the predictive power of social status and financial resources

                                           Rituals

Rituals are defined as repeated patterns of behavior that have symbolic meaning for the family.

Characteristics of rituals:

  1. members invest emotion in rituals and feel a sense of belonging when they carry them out
  2. recalling the ritual or anticipating it can arouse warm feelings
  3. not carrying out the ritual can disrupt the cohesive feelings of the family
  4. are major ways that cultural and ethnic groups pass on their values to the next generation
  5. include secular or religious holidays, and special family traditions
  6. encourage communication and increased involvement with other family members
  7. draw generations close together
  8. many routines can become family rituals

Family therapist, William Doherty (1997) categorizes rituals in terms of their purpose:

  1. Connection rituals – promote bonding between family members
  2. Love rituals – for showing love to each member
  3. Community rituals – connect family members to the larger community

Doherty (1997) also developed major principles for establishing rewarding family rituals which I think are very helpful:

  1. Get agreement between adults in the family.
  2. Have as much participation as possible from all family members in planning and deciding what to do.
  3. Expect that cooperation from children will emerge slowly.
  4. Have clear expectations of what will happen and who will do what.
  5. Reduce conflict through open communication and respect for others’ feelings.
  6. Protect rituals from the demands of other activities.

Think back to the family rituals from your childhood.  Which ones were most meaningful to you?  The most enjoyable?  Which ones can be useful to you and others during tough times?  Which ones do you want to pass on to your children?  Which ones do you not what to pass on to your children?  Is there a common theme in those you liked and disliked?

Reference:

Brooks, J. (2008). The process of parenting, 7th edition. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.

Filed Under: Aging, Anxiety & Stress, Chronic Illness, Covid 19, Grief & Loss, Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Self-care

July 4th Memories

July 3, 2020 by Debi

When the 4th of July arrives we all have a wide array of memories that flood through our minds… Some happy, others sad, many funny, a few, memorable and special.

One of my favorite 4th of July memories goes way back to childhood and involves my siblings, notably my two brothers. When I was about 15 and my sister 9, our brothers, ages 12 and 3, decided to enter the neighborhood “decorate-your-bicycle” 4th of July parade as a “package deal.” It all started with a preschool blanket sleeper that our mother bought to use as a Halloween “Tiger” costume back when I was a very little kid. I wore it out for Trick-or-Treat. My brother wore it. My sister wore it, and our youngest brother had just worn it the previous Halloween at age 2. We all thought it was dumb, but hey, it worked for the little kids and kept them warm on Pennsylvania and Ohio October ghost haunts! But on this particular 4th of July, our 12-year-old brother had one of his brilliant (and he had many!) ideas…  He thought it would be fantastic to dress his little brother in the Tiger sleeper, put him in the well-worn red wagon, build a “cage” from wood dad had in his basement woodshop scrap pile to keep in the” Tiger,” and he would dress as the Tiger Tamer pulling the wagon in the 4th of July parade! All this spawned from a blanket sleeper and recent visit to the circus!

Preparation for this project went on for several days before the big event, involving everyone in the family in a variety of ways. But Dan did most of the work, his creative talents unfolding in amazing ways. I will always remember the finished product when our two brothers rolled out of the garage ready to head off to the starting point! Dan was positively glowing with pride and accomplishment. Younger brother was along for the ride, and most agreeable, but the look on his face indicated that he wondered what he had gotten himself into with big brother, again…

1968  Dan & Dave 4th of July parade

The parade was a huge success! And, our brothers won first place for the most unique and creative decoration of wheels!

My youngest brother just celebrated a birthday. It was nice to chat with him on the phone knowing that he and his family had fun plans to enjoy the long 4th of July weekend.

We all miss Dan very much. Miss his big smile and big heart… We lost him in December of 2009…

Ahhh… so many bittersweet memories….

Filed Under: Grief & Loss, It's All Bubba's Fault, Relationships, Warm Fuzzies

Message from a Past President

July 1, 2020 by Debi

Stumbled across this quote from a July 15, 1979 speech given by President Jimmy Carter…

“In a nation that was proud of hard work, strong families, close-knit communities, and our faith in God, too many of us now tend to worship self-indulgence and consumption. Human identity is no longer defined by what one does, but by what one owns. But we’ve discovered that owning things and consuming things does not satisfy our longing for meaning. We’ve learned that piling up material goods cannot fill the emptiness of lives which have no confidence or purpose… This is not a message of happiness or reassurance, but it is the truth and it is a warning.”

Carter continued to say…

“We are at a turning point in our history. There are two paths to choose. One is a path I’ve warned about tonight, the path that leads to fragmentation and self-interest. Down that road lies a mistaken idea of freedom, the right to grasp for ourselves some advantage over others. That path would be one of constant conflict between narrow interests ending in chaos and immobility. It is a certain route to failure. [The other path is the] path of common purpose and the restoration of American values.”

Carter proposed “a bold conservation program” that would enlist “every average American” in overcoming the energy crisis.

This speech and it’s message did not sit well with the American people, Carter lost his re-election, and I wonder if our lives would be better today if we had taken him seriously back in 1979…

On the plus side, my nice neighbors are taking time to visit each other more and offer assistance when needed. More people are out walking and sharing the simple things we so often take for granted. Most of us are more comfortable than in years past to wear the same old sweater. We are more inclined to fix something rather than quickly replace it. And I have discovered a fun group of women who would rather share recipes and cook together than go out to lunch… Perhaps Jimmy Carter’s warning is beginning to get our attention…

 

Filed Under: Aging, Anxiety & Stress, Covid 19, Grief & Loss

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