Navigating Change

Debi Levine, MS, LMFT

Signs of Positive Relationship Teamwork

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Somehow I find this list of suggestions for building and sustaining a healthy relationship extremely valuable for myself at this point in time, and something that is important to share with my readers…  Hope they offer you guidance and inspiration. No doubt about it… Relationships of any sort are hard work and need ongoing nurturance and care.

In honor of Dolly and Jim (miss you guys…) and the 65 years that they sustained a strong marriage, here are some powerful goals for all of us to work toward in our own relationships with those we love…

  • You openly and frequently talk about your life: your respective dreams, fantasies, fears, pressures, victories, and disappointments.
  • Without nagging or policing each other, you encourage each other to stick to your plans to better yourself.
  • You offer help to each other when motivation to live healthy begins to sag.
  • No one is victimized by the choices you make as you try to take better care of yourself.
  • You help each other make time to take care of yourselves.
  • You encourage each other to reward yourselves for this healthier way of living.
  • You allow each other to express strong emotions.
  • You accept that relationships, just like individuals, grow and change and that you therefore must periodically alter your expectations and ways of relating to each other in order to adjust to new ways of being together — just as you would with a financial plan.
  • You are honest with each other about what you think, feel, need, and want.
  • You are flexible in your roles as you deal with the tasks and responsibilities facing your family.
  • When you have conflicts, you listen, empathize, and compromise with each other, or maturely agree to disagree.
  • You privately and publically express respect and appreciation for each other.
  • You avoid using power-struggle tactics. You are direct, honest, and fair in trying to get your needs and desires met.
  • You are gentle and forgiving in dealing with each other.
  • You encourage and help each other develop abilities and traits that will make you more complete people.
  • You try not to be driven by stress and frustration.
  • Rather than clinging to the unrealistic belief that a relationship can work naturally, you accept the fact that you will have to work to keep the healing spirit of your relationship alive.
  • You are able to forgive each other for mistakes.
  • You are at peace with the fact that no one — no matter how good or loving they may be — is perfect.
  • You regularly have fun together.
  • In your marriage, you continue that “boyfriend-girlfriend” action that serves as the core of your romance. You regularly notice, court, and romance each other.
  • In your marriage, you regularly let each other know that you still choose each other.

Mom & Dad Weber 11-16-12

Are there any of these that you and your partner do well? Any that you think you could work on? How might you do that?

Reference:

Sotile, W. & Sotile, M. (1996). The Medical Marriage: A couple’s Survival Guide. Carol Publishing Group.

Storytelling in Families

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Telling stories draws family members close to each other. Family stories keep families connected and chronicle their history.

Susan Engel (1999) writes: “We all want to know who we are and how we came into our world. And we each learn this, in part, through the stories we are told about our beginnings. We reencounter ourselves constantly throughout life and confirm what we already know by telling, over and over again, one version or one aspect of the story or our life.”

Storytelling

  1. begins at birth
  2. helps children gain confidence
  3. helps to shape our view of ourselves, other people, and events in our lives
  4. helps us discover more about what we think, feel, or know
  5. tells us about the world, our cultures, and the values that hold our families together
  6. helps us process negative experiences which releases psychological tensions that cause physiological arousal when they are unexpressed
  7. reflects important family themes

It is important to provide opportunities for self-expression for all family members. Storytelling is one form of self-expression. Family relationships are most harmonious when both children and parents have outlets for expressing feelings.

Activities such as

  1. daily physical exercise
  2. painting
  3. cooking
  4. gardening

My husband likes to putter in the garden and perfect oil paintings. One daughter is a marvelous cook, always at ease in the kitchen, creative in ways that seem impossible to me. Another daughter expresses her thoughts and feelings through her organization and presentation of her home, showing remarkable skill and talent that I greatly admire. And, I love to dance, with ballroom dance taking firm hold at this stage of my life.

All serve as outlets to drain off tensions and irritations and provide people with additional sources of pleasure and feelings of competence. Wise parents provide children with a variety of outlets so they can develop many skills. My granddaughter is delighted by music and movement, showing an interest in dance recently. Her mother takes her to a Preschool Music and Movement class each Tuesday… These activities promote self-confidence and self-esteem, which increase psychological health. Healthy adults honor and respect each other’s styles of self-expression, and encourage healthy outlets. They do not discourage or attempt to sabotage that individual need for expression.

Research indicates that childhood leisure activities are more predictive of psychological health in adulthood than are the child’s own personality characteristics in childhood.

In what ways do you like to express yourself? Storytelling? Writing? Physical activities? Hobbies?

 

Stress Management for Women

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Have a couple of good friends who send me all sorts of funny and clever e-mail forwards…  Some of them make my day! This one recently arrived in my inbox, and I have no author to give credit, but thought it would make you smile… 🙂

*****

A young lady confidently walked around the room while discussing stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone just knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘Is it half empty or half full?’  She fooled them all and asked how heavy it was. The answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued “…and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later the burden simply becomes too heavy to bear and we won’t be able to carry on.”

As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest. When we’re refreshed, we can carry our burdens and we can deal with stress longer and better each time it’s practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night. There will be another day…“

  1. Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue!
  2. Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them.
  3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
  4. Drive carefully… It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
  5. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  8. Never buy a car you can’t push.
  9.  Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
  10. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  11. Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
  12. The second mouse gets the cheese.
  13. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  14. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
  15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
  16. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
  17. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
  18. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
  19. And lastly, save the earth….. It’s the only planet with chocolate!

Have  nice day!