Navigating Change

Debi Levine, MS, LMFT

  • Welcome
  • About Debi
    • BIO
  • Therapy Practice Info
    • LMFT
    • FEES & PAYMENT
  • Contact
  • Calendar

Powered by Genesis

Parental Communication

March 5, 2020 by Debi

After a couple has children, communication becomes increasingly important. Parents are often under a lot of stress, and they are at risk for neglecting their relationship, when in fact the relationship between parents may be the most important relationship in the family. Keeping the lines of communication open is not always easy. All couples, at one time or another, have trouble communicating. This is especially true when the stress of parenting is considered. Communication takes work, but it is worth the investment.

Knowing how to communicate effectively, and also knowing what gets in the way of helpful communication, are important not only to the relationship between parents, but to their children, too. As children get older they learn how to relate to others by watching their parents. Therefore, parents must be effective communicators so their children will learn this important skill, too.

Time

Spending time together as a couple is essential for any successful relationship. Time however, is not always easy to find when there are children involved. Therefore, parents should make a strong effort to set aside special time to spend together. If time can’t be found every day, that’s okay. What’s important is that parents regularly schedule time together. This can be every day, every other day, or once a week — whatever works for the parents. This special time can be spent talking together, or doing anything else that interests both partners. What’s important is that this time is spent communicating in some way. Special time together is not going to just happen. It must be planned for and protected by both parents. One to one time is necessary to keep the lines of communication open.

Communicating Effectively

Another important part of communication between parents is learning how to do so effectively. If parents do not communicate well, they will more than likely pass on ineffective ways of communicating to their children.

  • For people to communicate effectively, words must equal actions. For example, if one parent is telling the other that he or she is not mad, but has an angry look on his or her face, is using an angry tone of voice, and is standing with hands clenched in fists, words do not equal actions, and effective communication is not taking place. When parents do this, they are sending mixed messages. Parents should be honest about their feelings. If they are angry they should find appropriate ways to express their anger.
  • Touch is an excellent way to communicate nonverbally. A pat on the back or a hug is a great way to show appreciation to either a spouse or a child.
  • Attending and listening are two very important skills to have in order for communication to be effective. Attending means giving complete attention to the person doing the talking. This can be done by stopping all other activities, looking the talker in the eyes, and by not saying a word. Listening means paying close attention to what is being said, not only through the speaker’s words, but through body language, too.
  • Giving and asking for feedback helps head off miscommunication. Giving feedback means repeating to the speaker what you heard him or her say to make sure you got the message as it was intended to be received. Asking for feedback is a way of insuring that the listener received your message as you intended it to be received. Listed below are some things that both help and hinder effective communication.

Don’ts

Dos

Instead Try…
Accusing, blaming, and putting down — These types of statements put the respondent on the   defensive, which encourages more of the same. For example, “You are such a slob. You always leave your dirty closes on the floor.” “I” statements — Instead of finger pointing, state your thoughts and feelings in terms of yourself. For example, “I feel angry when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor.”
Interrupting — Interruptions can break the speaker’s train of thought. Listening — Listen to what the speaker is saying. Wait for natural pauses in the conversation before speaking.
Over-generalizing and catastrophizing — This includes statements like “You always…” and “You never…” Making qualifying statements — Try using phrases like “Sometimes you…” and “Maybe…”
Lecturing and preaching — These types of communication will quickly turn off the person being   spoken to. Making brief, to-the-point, statements — Such statements will allow for the give and take required for effective communication.
Sarcasm — The use of sarcasm can be hurtful to the person being spoken to. Sarcasm has no place in effective communication. Showing respect — Try to show respect and understanding for the other person’s point of view. You can disagree but explain your concerns.
Not making eye contact — This may send the wrong message to someone you’re speaking with. Making eye contact — This will send the message that you’re interested, listening, and involved.
Mind reading — Try to avoid telling someone else what they feel or think. You may be wrong. Reflecting and validating — Tell the person with whom you’re speaking what you’re hearing and how you’re interpreting what is being said. Ask for   clarification.
Commanding and/or threatening — Commands and/or threats are rarely effective. They often put the person being spoken to on the defensive. Suggesting alternative solutions — Try to work together to come up with solutions that are acceptable to both parties. Ask for feedback on possible solutions.
Dwelling on the past — Once a problem or conflict is solved, don’t repeatedly bring it up in future conflicts. Parents should allow one another to start over with a   clean slate. Sticking to the present and the future — Focus on the specific issue of concern.
Monopolizing the conversation — Don’t do all the talking. Effective communication requires both parties to make significant contributions to the discussion. Taking turns talking — Ask for the other person’s opinions on the issues if they are reluctant to talk.
Remaining silent — Effective communication between parents will not take place unless both parties participate. Talking —  Express your feelings, even if they are negative.
Saying whatever comes to mind — Try to edit what you say, so that you con not deliberately hurt the person to whom you are speaking. Following the rules of common courtesy — Try to be polite and courteous to the person to whom you are speaking, no matter how heated conversations may get.
Yes-butting — Try not to find something wrong with every suggestion the person to who you are speaking makes. Listening — Try to understand the other person’s point of view. You don’t necessarily have to agree with everything the other person says, but you should make an attempt at understanding others’ viewpoints.
Cross complaining — Try not to state one of your own complaints in response to a complaint the other speaker makes.

Making an agenda — Try making a list of the complaints that come up in a conversation, and deal with them one at a time. Add new complaints to the list as they come up.

 

Reference:

Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, Arkansas Children’s Hospital

Filed Under: Anxiety & Stress, Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

What a Woman Needs

June 25, 2019 by Debi

This is for all those guys who can’t quite figure out what it is their lady wants from them! What does it take to connect with her and make her happy? Read on…

A woman needs…

…the attention of someone who cares about her

…the help of someone who wants to take care of her needs

…time when she is not considering what everyone else wants but when someone is considering her wishes

…someone who understands what she like and makes a plan so that she doesn’t even have to think

…someone to anticipate her needs, wants, and wishes and to offer to help without her having to ask

…someone to notice her, love her, and adore her

…someone to miss her and desire her

…to love freely and trust that she will be loved in return

…someone who cares about her well-being, to understand what she is going through, and recognize the validity of her feelings

…someone she can confide in who is trustworthy and will not turn on her or break her confidence by revealing secrets

…someone who regards her as special

…someone to help her in life so she doesn’t feel she is doing it all by herself

…someone to feel passionate intimacy with

A woman needs not only these things but needs to have them fulfilled by someone with who she feels a natural chemistry with on all levels: physical, emotional , mental, and spiritual. Are you up for the challenge? Maybe learn to dance with her?

What women need

Reference:

Gray, John. (1997). Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship. Harper-Collins Publishers.

 

Filed Under: Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

Signs of Positive Relationship Teamwork

August 16, 2018 by Debi

Somehow I find this list of suggestions for building and sustaining a healthy relationship extremely valuable for myself at this point in time, and something that is important to share with my readers…  Hope they offer you guidance and inspiration. No doubt about it… Relationships of any sort are hard work and need ongoing nurturance and care.

In honor of Dolly and Jim (miss you guys…) and the 65 years that they sustained a strong marriage, here are some powerful goals for all of us to work toward in our own relationships with those we love…

  • You openly and frequently talk about your life: your respective dreams, fantasies, fears, pressures, victories, and disappointments.
  • Without nagging or policing each other, you encourage each other to stick to your plans to better yourself.
  • You offer help to each other when motivation to live healthy begins to sag.
  • No one is victimized by the choices you make as you try to take better care of yourself.
  • You help each other make time to take care of yourselves.
  • You encourage each other to reward yourselves for this healthier way of living.
  • You allow each other to express strong emotions.
  • You accept that relationships, just like individuals, grow and change and that you therefore must periodically alter your expectations and ways of relating to each other in order to adjust to new ways of being together — just as you would with a financial plan.
  • You are honest with each other about what you think, feel, need, and want.
  • You are flexible in your roles as you deal with the tasks and responsibilities facing your family.
  • When you have conflicts, you listen, empathize, and compromise with each other, or maturely agree to disagree.
  • You privately and publically express respect and appreciation for each other.
  • You avoid using power-struggle tactics. You are direct, honest, and fair in trying to get your needs and desires met.
  • You are gentle and forgiving in dealing with each other.
  • You encourage and help each other develop abilities and traits that will make you more complete people.
  • You try not to be driven by stress and frustration.
  • Rather than clinging to the unrealistic belief that a relationship can work naturally, you accept the fact that you will have to work to keep the healing spirit of your relationship alive.
  • You are able to forgive each other for mistakes.
  • You are at peace with the fact that no one — no matter how good or loving they may be — is perfect.
  • You regularly have fun together.
  • In your marriage, you continue that “boyfriend-girlfriend” action that serves as the core of your romance. You regularly notice, court, and romance each other.
  • In your marriage, you regularly let each other know that you still choose each other.

Mom & Dad Weber 11-16-12

Are there any of these that you and your partner do well? Any that you think you could work on? How might you do that?

Reference:

Sotile, W. & Sotile, M. (1996). The Medical Marriage: A couple’s Survival Guide. Carol Publishing Group.

Filed Under: Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

Next Page »

Categories

  • Aging
  • Anxiety & Stress
  • Chronic Illness
  • Covid 19
  • Grief & Loss
  • Marriage
  • Parenting
  • Relationships
    • It's All Bubba's Fault
  • Self-care
  • Uncategorized
  • Warm Fuzzies