Marriage

Should I Stay or Walk Away?

September 11, 2018 by Debi

In an ideal world we should work through the rough spots in our relationships. However, this is not an ideal world.

Most of the time we recognize that trouble in a relationship can be reconciled in a meaningful and beneficial way with hard work and patience and two willing partners, but sometimes it is not possible at all. Examples of when to run away quickly are when abuse and violence threaten our safety and well-being.

Abuse can be obvious and take common forms — physical, sexual, verbal, emotional. But there are subtle forms of abuse that can blindside us into “falling” for the best in another, when in fact that very drama can be consciously or unconsciously staged to fool us into being someone another needs and wants rather than being loved and accepted for who we really are.

Dr. James Fogarty, Ed. D., a licensed clinical psychologist, national lecturer, and author, has developed a professional workshop around the topic of Emotional Manipulation. His ideas intrigue me… I think he is on to something very real and more common than we would like to admit.

Fogarty says that “… people who use emotional manipulation hide behind the mask of love, concern, dedication, and friendship, while using guilt, button-pushing, subtle anger, and many types of covert ploys to keep their victims in place, getting their victims to do whatever they want.” He goes on to say that “… the words of Emotional Manipulators have multiple meanings hiding their true scheming motives. They carefully maneuver between that fine balance of skimpily giving to others but getting so much more. They are masters of getting others to believe they are doing everything for them while hiding their ‘what’s in it for me’ motives. They carefully craft every sentence with their own selfish needs hidden between each word.”

Think long and hard… Know anyone from your past or present who fits this description?

Reference:

https://www.facebook.com/Dr-Jim-Fogarty-of-Rockton-Psychological-Services-648172025230057/

God Never Blinks

August 21, 2018 by Debi

Growing up in Cleveland, Ohio I am familiar with a retired columnist for the Cleveland Plain Dealer by the name of Regina Brett. Even after moving away from my home turf, my mother from time to time talked about one of Brett’s columns that struck a chord in her. Many northern Ohio folks have enjoyed their morning coffee with Regina’s latest column in hand… A simple pleasure.

Inspired by personal crisis, Regina Brett decided to write her first book, God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours. It was quite the rage when it was first published in 2010, and mom insisted I read it. So I did… That was quite a few summers ago, and that I am not able to make my summer trek to visit Cleveland this season, I find myself longing for the nostalgia of that sweet summer read curled up on my mom’s sofa under the ceiling fan. It is a great book that reminds us to keep our priorities straight and our life in focus. At a time when our lives needs some healthy change, Brett’s book is a breath of fresh air.

http://www.reginabrett.com

Regina Brett has several new books out. I am inspired to snatch a summer read under the ceiling fan on our sunporch? What a nice idea!

Signs of Positive Relationship Teamwork

August 16, 2018 by Debi

Somehow I find this list of suggestions for building and sustaining a healthy relationship extremely valuable for myself at this point in time, and something that is important to share with my readers… Hope they offer you guidance and inspiration. No doubt about it… Relationships of any sort are hard work and need ongoing nurturance and care.

In honor of Dolly and Jim (miss you guys…) and the 65 years that they sustained a strong marriage, here are some powerful goals for all of us to work toward in our own relationships with those we love…

You openly and frequently talk about your life: your respective dreams, fantasies, fears, pressures, victories, and disappointments.
Without nagging or policing each other, you encourage each other to stick to your plans to better yourself.
You offer help to each other when motivation to live healthy begins to sag.
No one is victimized by the choices you make as you try to take better care of yourself.
You help each other make time to take care of yourselves.
You encourage each other to reward yourselves for this healthier way of living.
You allow each other to express strong emotions.
You accept that relationships, just like individuals, grow and change and that you therefore must periodically alter your expectations and ways of relating to each other in order to adjust to new ways of being together — just as you would with a financial plan.
You are honest with each other about what you think, feel, need, and want.
You are flexible in your roles as you deal with the tasks and responsibilities facing your family.
When you have conflicts, you listen, empathize, and compromise with each other, or maturely agree to disagree.
You privately and publically express respect and appreciation for each other.
You avoid using power-struggle tactics. You are direct, honest, and fair in trying to get your needs and desires met.
You are gentle and forgiving in dealing with each other.
You encourage and help each other develop abilities and traits that will make you more complete people.
You try not to be driven by stress and frustration.
Rather than clinging to the unrealistic belief that a relationship can work naturally, you accept the fact that you will have to work to keep the healing spirit of your relationship alive.
You are able to forgive each other for mistakes.
You are at peace with the fact that no one — no matter how good or loving they may be — is perfect.
You regularly have fun together.
In your marriage, you continue that “boyfriend-girlfriend” action that serves as the core of your romance. You regularly notice, court, and romance each other.
In your marriage, you regularly let each other know that you still choose each other.

Are there any of these that you and your partner do well? Any that you think you could work on? How might you do that?

Reference:

Sotile, W. & Sotile, M. (1996). The Medical Marriage: A couple’s Survival Guide. Carol Publishing Group.