Navigating Change

Debi Levine, MS, LMFT

Building a Strong Marriage

by

A happy marriage is a joy as well as a tremendous challenge. It demands a lot of commitment, patience, and effort. Sharing your life with another person presents you with endless opportunities for growth, both individually and as a couple. Don’t feel discouraged when problems crop up. Disagreements are normal. Accept these challenges as opportunities for learning and for growth.

When a difficult arises, handle it in the most skillful way possible. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this situation that will help me become a better and more loving person?” and “How can we as a couple use this as an opportunity to strengthen our marriage?”

Remember:

  • Building a strong marriage takes commitment and time.
  • A healthy marriage is the foundation of a strong family.
  • Conflict in marriage can be good, and is always an opportunity for growth.
  • Focus primarily on  changing yourself, not your spouse.
  • It’s OK to ask for a change in your partner and to talk about it.

Marriage Strength Assessment

Carefully read the following Marriage Strength Assessment. Using the scale provided, rate yourself on each item, them evaluate your spouse. Ask your spouse to do the same. You may want to make another copy of the Marriage Strength Assessment for your spouse. Or, you can read each item out loud so that you and your spouse privately can record your individual ratings on separate sheets of paper.

Don’t feel discouraged if some of your ratings are not high, or that your spouse may rate you as weak. These items help to pinpoint differences in perception. Few couples, even happy ones, will rate high on ever item. The purpose of the scale is to spark discussion and to suggest areas where more growth can occur.

After you and your spouse complete your assessments, discuss each item in a calm and kind way. Pay particular attention to areas where you perceive each other differently. Don’t be too hard on yourself or on your spouse. Acceptance is an important step toward making positive changes. Focus on some specific, small change you each want to make to enrich and to strengthen your marriage. Write these down and put the list in a place where you both will see it frequently. Set up a time in a week or so to encourage and complement one another on your progress.

 

“Not At All”

“Very Much”
      1                2                 3                 4               5      6                 7                 8                9                 10

 

 

Self

Spouse
  1. Committed to the marriage and to its health and growth.
    
  1. Expresses appreciation to spouse.
    
  1. Accepts and enjoys spouse’s unique traits and habits.
    
  1. Listens carefully and respects the feelings of spouse and self.
    
  1. Warmly gives and receives physical affection and intimacy.
    
  1. Takes good care of self in terms of nutrition, exercise, and rest; avoids substance abuse.
    
  1. Uses money, space, and time fairly and wisely.
    
  1. Accepts responsibility for one’s thoughts, words, and actions; does not blame.
    
  1. Willing to try to see things from spouse’s viewpoint.
    
  1. Has good conflict- management skills.
    
  1. Appropriately attentive to the spiritual needs of self and spouse.
    
  1. Focuses on the positive; sees opportunities even in the midst of difficulties.
    
  1. Able to forgive spouse and self for mistakes and hurts.
    
  1. Does fair share of home and family related chores.
    
  1. Spends regular quality time with spouse.
    
  1. Even in challenging situations, stays calm and attuned to inner sense of what is best.
    
  1. Shares and supports interest and goals of spouse.
    
  1. Appropriately involved in interests, activities, and friendships separate from spouse.
    
  1. Willing to reach out to friends and professionals when help is needed.
    
  1. Enjoys life; likes to play and have fun; smiles and laughs.
    

 

Marriage Strength Assessment    (PDF document to use)

 

Marriage Enrichment

If you would like to strengthen your marriage, a variety of marriage enrichment groups are available. Group leaders are trained and experienced in building strong marriages. Marriage enrichment is for couples who get along OK, but would like their marriage to be much healthier and happier. It’s also a way to make good marriages even better.

Find out what’s available in your area by checking with local churches or places of worship, colleges, mental health professionals, and family service agencies. Increasing numbers of couples are taking advantage of these opportunities. One of the best known marriage enrichment organizations is the Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment. You can learn more about this organization by going to their website at http://www.bettermarriages.org/?main.

When marital difficulties are serious in nature, consider marriage counseling conducted by a trained and licensed professional. Ask someone you trust to recommend a good therapist, or look in the yellow pages or on the internet for a therapist certified by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). There is also a Therapist Locator feature available on the AAMFT website at www.aamft.org.

We all need a helping hand at times. A willingness to reach out for help is a sign of intelligence and strength.

 

Reference:

University of Kentucky, Cooperative Extension Service, Lexington, KY

Parental Communication

by

After a couple has children, communication becomes increasingly important. Parents are often under a lot of stress, and they are at risk for neglecting their relationship, when in fact the relationship between parents may be the most important relationship in the family. Keeping the lines of communication open is not always easy. All couples, at one time or another, have trouble communicating. This is especially true when the stress of parenting is considered. Communication takes work, but it is worth the investment.

Knowing how to communicate effectively, and also knowing what gets in the way of helpful communication, are important not only to the relationship between parents, but to their children, too. As children get older they learn how to relate to others by watching their parents. Therefore, parents must be effective communicators so their children will learn this important skill, too.

Time

Spending time together as a couple is essential for any successful relationship. Time however, is not always easy to find when there are children involved. Therefore, parents should make a strong effort to set aside special time to spend together. If time can’t be found every day, that’s okay. What’s important is that parents regularly schedule time together. This can be every day, every other day, or once a week — whatever works for the parents. This special time can be spent talking together, or doing anything else that interests both partners. What’s important is that this time is spent communicating in some way. Special time together is not going to just happen. It must be planned for and protected by both parents. One to one time is necessary to keep the lines of communication open.

Communicating Effectively

Another important part of communication between parents is learning how to do so effectively. If parents do not communicate well, they will more than likely pass on ineffective ways of communicating to their children.

  • For people to communicate effectively, words must equal actions. For example, if one parent is telling the other that he or she is not mad, but has an angry look on his or her face, is using an angry tone of voice, and is standing with hands clenched in fists, words do not equal actions, and effective communication is not taking place. When parents do this, they are sending mixed messages. Parents should be honest about their feelings. If they are angry they should find appropriate ways to express their anger.
  • Touch is an excellent way to communicate nonverbally. A pat on the back or a hug is a great way to show appreciation to either a spouse or a child.
  • Attending and listening are two very important skills to have in order for communication to be effective. Attending means giving complete attention to the person doing the talking. This can be done by stopping all other activities, looking the talker in the eyes, and by not saying a word. Listening means paying close attention to what is being said, not only through the speaker’s words, but through body language, too.
  • Giving and asking for feedback helps head off miscommunication. Giving feedback means repeating to the speaker what you heard him or her say to make sure you got the message as it was intended to be received. Asking for feedback is a way of insuring that the listener received your message as you intended it to be received. Listed below are some things that both help and hinder effective communication.

Don’ts

Dos
Instead Try…
Accusing, blaming, and putting down — These types of statements put the respondent on the   defensive, which encourages more of the same. For example, “You are such a slob. You always leave your dirty closes on the floor.” “I” statements — Instead of finger pointing, state your thoughts and feelings in terms of yourself. For example, “I feel angry when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor.”
Interrupting — Interruptions can break the speaker’s train of thought. Listening — Listen to what the speaker is saying. Wait for natural pauses in the conversation before speaking.
Over-generalizing and catastrophizing — This includes statements like “You always…” and “You never…” Making qualifying statements — Try using phrases like “Sometimes you…” and “Maybe…”
Lecturing and preaching — These types of communication will quickly turn off the person being   spoken to. Making brief, to-the-point, statements — Such statements will allow for the give and take required for effective communication.
Sarcasm — The use of sarcasm can be hurtful to the person being spoken to. Sarcasm has no place in effective communication. Showing respect — Try to show respect and understanding for the other person’s point of view. You can disagree but explain your concerns.
Not making eye contact — This may send the wrong message to someone you’re speaking with. Making eye contact — This will send the message that you’re interested, listening, and involved.
Mind reading — Try to avoid telling someone else what they feel or think. You may be wrong. Reflecting and validating — Tell the person with whom you’re speaking what you’re hearing and how you’re interpreting what is being said. Ask for   clarification.
Commanding and/or threatening — Commands and/or threats are rarely effective. They often put the person being spoken to on the defensive. Suggesting alternative solutions — Try to work together to come up with solutions that are acceptable to both parties. Ask for feedback on possible solutions.
Dwelling on the past — Once a problem or conflict is solved, don’t repeatedly bring it up in future conflicts. Parents should allow one another to start over with a   clean slate. Sticking to the present and the future — Focus on the specific issue of concern.
Monopolizing the conversation — Don’t do all the talking. Effective communication requires both parties to make significant contributions to the discussion. Taking turns talking — Ask for the other person’s opinions on the issues if they are reluctant to talk.
Remaining silent — Effective communication between parents will not take place unless both parties participate. Talking —  Express your feelings, even if they are negative.
Saying whatever comes to mind — Try to edit what you say, so that you con not deliberately hurt the person to whom you are speaking. Following the rules of common courtesy — Try to be polite and courteous to the person to whom you are speaking, no matter how heated conversations may get.
Yes-butting — Try not to find something wrong with every suggestion the person to who you are speaking makes. Listening — Try to understand the other person’s point of view. You don’t necessarily have to agree with everything the other person says, but you should make an attempt at understanding others’ viewpoints.
Cross complaining — Try not to state one of your own complaints in response to a complaint the other speaker makes.

Making an agenda — Try making a list of the complaints that come up in a conversation, and deal with them one at a time. Add new complaints to the list as they come up.

 

Reference:

Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, Arkansas Children’s Hospital

Caring for Your Adult Relationships

by

Caring for children takes lots of time and energy, as many of you totally understand!

In your role as parent, as you work to build respectful, encouraging relationships with your children, don’t lose sight of your other adult relationships!

If you are married or in a close relationship, set aside “sacred” time for that important relationship. The amount of time spent and what you do depends on your budget and what child care is available, but making that time and using it wisely is critical. The two of your could

  • Talk together after the children are in bed
  • Take walks
  • Ride bikes or play a sport together (but leave time to talk as well)
  • Have a picnic
  • Go out to dinner
  • Get away for a weekend

There are endless possibilities to explore…

During your special time together, set aside thoughts of the children, work, and other responsibilities. Instead, focus on your relationship. Listen to each other, share feelings, encourage each other, and have fun together.

And keep in touch with friends, whether they’re other parents of young children, have older children, or have no children. Even occasional phone calls will keep your friendships going.

What will you do this week with your partner? What will do this week to maintain your friendships?

 

To learn more about relationships, read Don Dinkmeyer and John Carlson, Time for a Better Marriage (1984, American Guidance Service) and Taking Time for Love (1989, Prentice Hall).