Navigating Change

Debi Levine, MS, LMFT

Family Routines and Rituals

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Family rituals and routines bring families closer together. As I share stories in the part of my blog called It’s All Bubba’s Fault! you hear a lot about the rituals and routines that have been so important to me and my family over the years. We all have them… Some are funny, some are ridiculous, many are annoying, and others are terribly important and special.

Research has focused on how family routines and rituals

  1. draw family members together in daily life
  2. increase contact with family members across generations
  3. contribute to psychological health and well-being

Rituals and routines are especially important during periods of transition and stress.

                                       Routines

Routines are defined as patterned interactions, occurring regularly on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, that accomplish a practical goal. (Fiese, 2002)

Characteristics of routines include:

  1. usually no strong emotional investment in routines
  2. little thought about them after completed
  3. ways to get things done
  4. a means to an end
  5. can be changed if more efficient or useful ways present themselves
  6. are usually very important
  7. represent structure and organization to life, especially during times of transition
  8. intimate family routines appear to contribute strongly to the predictive power of social status and financial resources

                                           Rituals

Rituals are defined as repeated patterns of behavior that have symbolic meaning for the family.

Characteristics of rituals:

  1. members invest emotion in rituals and feel a sense of belonging when they carry them out
  2. recalling the ritual or anticipating it can arouse warm feelings
  3. not carrying out the ritual can disrupt the cohesive feelings of the family
  4. are major ways that cultural and ethnic groups pass on their values to the next generation
  5. include secular or religious holidays, and special family traditions
  6. encourage communication and increased involvement with other family members
  7. draw generations close together
  8. many routines can become family rituals

Family therapist, William Doherty (1997) categorizes rituals in terms of their purpose:

  1. Connection rituals – promote bonding between family members
  2. Love rituals – for showing love to each member
  3. Community rituals – connect family members to the larger community

Doherty (1997) also developed major principles for establishing rewarding family rituals which I think are very helpful:

  1. Get agreement between adults in the family.
  2. Have as much participation as possible from all family members in planning and deciding what to do.
  3. Expect that cooperation from children will emerge slowly.
  4. Have clear expectations of what will happen and who will do what.
  5. Reduce conflict through open communication and respect for others’ feelings.
  6. Protect rituals from the demands of other activities.

Think back to the family rituals from your childhood.  Which ones were most meaningful to you?  The most enjoyable?  Which ones can be useful to you and others during tough times?  Which ones do you want to pass on to your children?  Which ones do you not what to pass on to your children?  Is there a common theme in those you liked and disliked?

Reference:

Brooks, J. (2008). The process of parenting, 7th edition. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.

Controlled Breathing

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There are often times in our life when we feel anxious and overwhelmed. This is normal, particularly when we have many responsibilities and obligations pulling on us. Controlled breathing can help to calm us during periods of anxiety and stress.

To make deep, controlled breathing effective, it helps to focus intently on the rhythmic pattern of your breath as it goes in and out. You’ll breathe easier — both literally and figuratively — once you get the knack of focused deep breathing. This skill is not only a marvelous stress reliever in itself, but also the first step in many other relaxation techniques.

Here are the basic steps:

1. Sit in a comfortable position.
2. Close your eyes. Place one hand on your belly, just below the navel.
3. Take a long, deep breath in. Try to make your hand rise slightly as you inhale.
4. Let the breat out slowly. Try to feel your hand fall slightly as you exhale.
5. Keep taking slow, deep, controlled, breaths for a few minutes. Focus on the steady rising and falling of your hand.

If you have trouble getting the hang of belly breathing, try lying down and placing a book (instead of your hand) on your belly. Then concentrate on making the book move up and down with your breathing. Many people find that the visual cue helps at first. Once you have mastered deep breathing, though, you will be able to do it anytime, anywhere, in any position.

This is one of my favorite exercises to do when I am struggling with something difficult and want to keep myself calm and focused on action that can make the situation better.

Tell us what breathing strategies best help you…

The Invitation

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Ahhh, it is the beginning of a month already filled with too many societal, health-related and personal issues affecting those I love. Some of it unexpected, some of it chronic, but all of it too much at once, leaving the family system rather depleted. Time to “circle the wagons” so we can all rest and recharge. Some seasons just work that way… I am ready for spring to stay!

So, I find myself pulling from the bookshelf an old favorite that helps remind me to remain clear and focused and hopeful when troublesome events wear us down.

“The Invitation” (1999) by Oriah Mountain Dreamer is “a declaration of intent, a map into the longing of the soul, the desire to live passionately, face-to-face with ourselves and skin-to-skin with the world around us.”

Shared by word of mouth, e-mailed from reader to reader, recited over the radio, and read aloud at thousands of retreats and conferences, “The Invitation” has changed the lives of people everywhere. In this bestselling book, Oriah expand on the wisdom found within her beloved prose poem, which presents a powerful challenge to all who long to live an authentic life.

In a world that is both uncertain and chaotic, “The Invitation” opens the door to a new way of life — a way of intimacy, honesty, and peace with ourselves, others, and the world around us. Oriah invites us to embrace the varieties of human experience, from desire and commitment, to sorrow and betrayal, and to open ourselves to all that is possible. “The Invitation” is an invaluable guide to overcoming the obstacles that stand in our way and to discovering the true beauty that life has to offer.

Accept the invitation and open yourself to a more meaningful life. There is no better time than the present to take a fresh look at life and appreciate what is good…  Coming though a rough stretch in terms of responsibilities and concerns provides a perfect opprotunity to refresh yourself and the way you experience your life.

Here is a link to Oriah’s website, her poem, and blog. Hope all is well with you and yours…

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/