Navigating Change

Debi Levine, MS, LMFT

Family Routines and Rituals

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Family rituals and routines bring families closer together. As I share stories in the part of my blog called It’s All Bubba’s Fault! you hear a lot about the rituals and routines that have been so important to me and my family over the years. We all have them… Some are funny, some are ridiculous, many are annoying, and others are terribly important and special.

Research has focused on how family routines and rituals

  1. draw family members together in daily life
  2. increase contact with family members across generations
  3. contribute to psychological health and well-being

Rituals and routines are especially important during periods of transition and stress.

                                       Routines

Routines are defined as patterned interactions, occurring regularly on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, that accomplish a practical goal. (Fiese, 2002)

Characteristics of routines include:

  1. usually no strong emotional investment in routines
  2. little thought about them after completed
  3. ways to get things done
  4. a means to an end
  5. can be changed if more efficient or useful ways present themselves
  6. are usually very important
  7. represent structure and organization to life, especially during times of transition
  8. intimate family routines appear to contribute strongly to the predictive power of social status and financial resources

                                           Rituals

Rituals are defined as repeated patterns of behavior that have symbolic meaning for the family.

Characteristics of rituals:

  1. members invest emotion in rituals and feel a sense of belonging when they carry them out
  2. recalling the ritual or anticipating it can arouse warm feelings
  3. not carrying out the ritual can disrupt the cohesive feelings of the family
  4. are major ways that cultural and ethnic groups pass on their values to the next generation
  5. include secular or religious holidays, and special family traditions
  6. encourage communication and increased involvement with other family members
  7. draw generations close together
  8. many routines can become family rituals

Family therapist, William Doherty (1997) categorizes rituals in terms of their purpose:

  1. Connection rituals – promote bonding between family members
  2. Love rituals – for showing love to each member
  3. Community rituals – connect family members to the larger community

Doherty (1997) also developed major principles for establishing rewarding family rituals which I think are very helpful:

  1. Get agreement between adults in the family.
  2. Have as much participation as possible from all family members in planning and deciding what to do.
  3. Expect that cooperation from children will emerge slowly.
  4. Have clear expectations of what will happen and who will do what.
  5. Reduce conflict through open communication and respect for others’ feelings.
  6. Protect rituals from the demands of other activities.

Think back to the family rituals from your childhood.  Which ones were most meaningful to you?  The most enjoyable?  Which ones can be useful to you and others during tough times?  Which ones do you want to pass on to your children?  Which ones do you not what to pass on to your children?  Is there a common theme in those you liked and disliked?

Reference:

Brooks, J. (2008). The process of parenting, 7th edition. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.

Message from a Past President

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Stumbled across this quote from a July 15, 1979 speech given by President Jimmy Carter…

“In a nation that was proud of hard work, strong families, close-knit communities, and our faith in God, too many of us now tend to worship self-indulgence and consumption. Human identity is no longer defined by what one does, but by what one owns. But we’ve discovered that owning things and consuming things does not satisfy our longing for meaning. We’ve learned that piling up material goods cannot fill the emptiness of lives which have no confidence or purpose… This is not a message of happiness or reassurance, but it is the truth and it is a warning.”

Carter continued to say…

“We are at a turning point in our history. There are two paths to choose. One is a path I’ve warned about tonight, the path that leads to fragmentation and self-interest. Down that road lies a mistaken idea of freedom, the right to grasp for ourselves some advantage over others. That path would be one of constant conflict between narrow interests ending in chaos and immobility. It is a certain route to failure. [The other path is the] path of common purpose and the restoration of American values.”

Carter proposed “a bold conservation program” that would enlist “every average American” in overcoming the energy crisis.

This speech and it’s message did not sit well with the American people, Carter lost his re-election, and I wonder if our lives would be better today if we had taken him seriously back in 1979…

On the plus side, my nice neighbors are taking time to visit each other more and offer assistance when needed. More people are out walking and sharing the simple things we so often take for granted. Most of us are more comfortable than in years past to wear the same old sweater. We are more inclined to fix something rather than quickly replace it. And I have discovered a fun group of women who would rather share recipes and cook together than go out to lunch… Perhaps Jimmy Carter’s warning is beginning to get our attention…

 

Friendships

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Old friends and new friends, best friends and lost friends, soul mates and confidants can inspire, enlighten, and sometimes hurt us. Male and female alike, most of us strive for friendships that are positive and enduring and share important qualities, such as strength, resilience, durability, patience, loyalty, and honesty.

There are gender differences in how men and women handle friendship. Many women say that their girlfriends respond to their problems differently than do most of the men in their lives. Some men tend toward a fix-it approach, whereas many women often provide a listening, sympathetic ear. Although, many men appear to offer a listening ear, they may not really “hear” the message sent. This can leave a woman feeling misunderstood and cause her to create distance from the connection. Of course, there are women who are not good listeners, either.

In addition, men characteristically withhold personal information in communication. In fact, one study conducted by Jack Sattel showed that some men gain power over women by giving minimal personal information, while encouraging women to self-disclose. When this happens women may feel uncomfortable, even if unconsciously unaware, of this power imbalance. The result is that women may find less satisfaction in conversations and relationships with such men. Men, in turn, may find themselves confused, perplexed, and not valued or appreciated.

Relationships, including friendships, are birthed — they mature, grow, and eventually end. Friendships often follow a cyclic pattern. Sometimes our friendships coincide with our own life cycles, and we can draw on the support of these friends throughout our entire lives. Other friendships last for shorter periods of time, emerging and blossoming in a particular situation or era of our lives. Whether a friend travels with us for a short stretch of the journey, for years, or for a lifetime, our bonds with them, if respected and carefully nurtured, can serve as a source of comfort, wisdom, and direction. They have the potential to help shape who we become. They teach us many lessons.

Suggested reading:

Berry, Carmen & Traeder, Tamara. (1995). Girlfriends. Wildcat Canyon Press.

Rubin, Lillian B. (1985). Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in Our Lives. New York: HarperCollins.

Tannen, Deborah.  (1991). You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. New York: Ballantine.