Our society doesn’t do a very good job of guiding us through death and ultimate loss, for self or for those around us. Death is complicated and gut-wrenching, never easy… We think we have a handle on the thoughts and emotions that commonly occur, but when they hit in full force we are stunned, shocked, often hysterical, and sometimes simply numb. Why does it have to be worse on us than one would anticipate? Why aren’t we better skilled at knowing what to expect, preparing when we can, dealing in the heat of crisis, grieving, finding closure, and moving on in healthy ways? Why aren’t there more meaningful and shared rituals to help us through this grueling process we all face many times throughout our lives?
This summer I lost two special uncles, only one month apart —- after losing another uncle several months back and a brother in late 2009. Some deaths anticipated, some not. Throw into the “grief pot” losing three family cats, silly, yet significant… It comes as no surprise that my family system is weary and depleted, ready for summer to be over. Normally I feel bittersweet as summer winds down, wanting the warm and clear days to last much longer, but this year I long for the arrival of autumn and hope for a fresh look at life and chance to regroup and regain some sort of normalcy to everyday routine. It has been a strange season…
There are many books, workshops, and groups available to help us deal with death, and when we can locate the best resources to meet our needs at just the right moment, those tools can be an amazing gift. If we can find meaningful support, the burden is shared and softened a bit. Some need to process grief in an open and shared experience, and well-organized funeral arrangements with formal burial ritual to include family and friends can be extremely beneficial. Others find it better to grieve in isolation, in their own unique ways, to fully integrate their loss. We all have different ways of coping and dealing with our grief. All must be acknowledged. What we often lack, however, are clear guidelines and good role models to help ease us through the crisis of losing a loved one.
As I reflect on recent personal losses I find myself appreciating some very special and respected role models…
My mother is steadfast in her belief that although we are grieving the loss of special men we dearly love, it is important to be grateful for all the good years shared, not dwell on the years missed… Mom is a resilient woman who may use a hint of denial as part of her coping strategy, yet prefers to see the glass as “half full” rather than “half empty.” She is a committed optimistic, even in troubled times. I try to be more like her. Some days she is a tough act to follow.
A wonderful uncle, always present, and consistently calm, steady, and reassuring —- has been a genuine non-anxious presence through every difficult ordeal the family faced. For my entire life this man was dependable, honest, direct, and to the point. Some called him a “straight-shooter.” I always liked his “no-nonsense” approach to dealing with things that, as he very recently shared with me, “needed to be done because they needed to be done…” He was never afraid to do hard work behind the scenes because it was the right thing to do.
Yet another “class act” uncle, never hesitates to puts the needs of those he loves before his own, making sure that he does everything in his power to bring together and support and nurture all those who are hurt, scared, and in distress. He goes above and beyond to honor valued relationships that are important to him and to those he loves. For all the years of my life I have watched this honorable man build and sustain strong, meaningful, and rewarding relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. He treats everyone as “family” showing them the utmost consideration and respect. To him, each person in his circle is unique, important, and valuable. In his presence, and beyond, there is no question that you have a special place in his heart. Even if you mess up or make a mistake he loves unconditionally.
My “class act” uncle, an entertainer by profession, recently showed his wife’s family an incredible kindness by pouring his soul and personal grief into an amazing poem that he confidently shared at the last family funeral. His poem, Men Among Men, addresses his own hurt, shared by so many, for so many, and difficult to articulate by all. Woven through the words, like lyrics of a family ballad, is the reminder of good qualities, good memories, and the resilience we must all hold on to as we make sense of death and loss in our family. Although I was not able to hear my uncle’s poem the day he shared it at the recent funeral, I read the words and hear his voice, knowing exactly how he made his point and the message behind his gift to us. Most of all, I know my uncle needed to write and deliver this poem to the entire family —- his way of honoring all the men he loved and deeply cared for over many many years…
So, I have lost too many of the men who have been important role models, fine family members, and “real” friends for many years. But in losing them I am reminded that they are all men of integrity who have enhanced my life in positive ways. My task in grieving their deaths is to hold fast to the lessons they have taught and share them with others who cross my path. They have passed the torch, and mom wouldn’t want any of us to drop it, but insist that we pass it along…