Dating is rare in most of the world. Dating, for the most part, is going out with friends, male and female together.
Most teens do not date in Afghanistan. Boys and girls go to separate schools so they don’t usually meet one another until their marriage, which is arranged by their families.
Most Japanese teenagers don’t date at all until they are out of high school. The boys do all the asking and pay for the dates.
Spanish teens usually date one-on-one. Both boys and girls do the asking, and the cost of the dates is split. But, dating doesn’t happen in Spain and Latin America until after a girl has reached the age of 15. Then, her family throws a special party for them called a quincinera.
In Finland teens usually date in very large groups.
Russian teens usually date in groups. They usually go to dance clubs or coffeehouses.
Australian teens tend to date in groups until they are in their late teens. Then, both the boys and the girls will ask each other out, and either will pay for the evening.
Dating is forbidden in such countries as Saudi Arabia, Iran, Libya, and many Muslim countries.
A Pakistani female is expected to date her potential husband only in the presence of her parents or extended kin.
Icelandic couples are expected to live together before they marry. Having children as part of the courtship receives complete social approval.
Did you know that by age 30, more than one-half of US adults have lived with a partner?
Did you know that partners who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates than those who do not live together?
Did you know that another person is the one factor accounting for why most college student relationships end?
Did you know that men are more likely than women to disappear rather than confront their partner when they want to end a relationship?
In the United States, dating is recognized as a way to get to know one another, learn to get along socially, and to select a mate. As Jerry Seinfeld stated: “Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night!”
Dating is recent even in the US. It was not practiced until after World War I. Before that marriage was a family decision, not an individual one and marriage was based on an instrumental role model, meaning that the marriage was to provide for basic needs, such as food, shelter, clothing, procreation.
During the 1700 and 1800s casual meetings were forbidden. Formal introductions were needed, and permission was also needed before two people could see each other. All meetings were chaperoned and the couple attended functions only in the company of family or friends. During the late 19th and early 20th centuries, close chaperonage and close supervision declined. Young people arranged their own meetings to get to know each other and have fun. Over the years it has become even less formal and structured into what is now referred to as “going out.”
There are some main reasons why dating as we know it emerged. The first is the Industrial Revolution. Children and families moved to the cities. Women worked in the factories and had more opportunities to meet a variety of men on a regular basis. Women moved from the farm to the city and lived in boarding houses and parental control was lost. Another advancement was the telephone, which made contact easier. The rise of public high schools, which put large numbers of mature youths together for coeducational schooling and recreation, also led to the rise in dating. Increased affluence and leisure time also accounts for the rise in dating. Women were allowed to wear less restrictive clothing and to engage in strenuous sports. Women participated in the Olympic Games for the first time in 1920. The invention of the automobile was a large factor in the rise of dating. It increased mobility and transportation to clubs and other entertainments. It also afforded couples a place to have sex. The Women’s Movement of the 1920s encouraged women’s rights and women began to participate fully in the life of the community.
During the 1930s a man by the name of William Waller developed a Rating and Dating Complex Scale. Women and men were rated according to their desirability as a date. Class A men were members of better fraternities, prestigious activities, had money, owned a car, were good conversationalists and dancers, were well dressed – in other words, highly desirable. Class B, C, and D men were rated as less desirable because they did not have the characteristics of a Class A man. Class A women wore good clothes, were good conversationalists, danced well, were considered popular, appeared to be sought after, never appeared to be too available, avoided being seen too often with the same man, and had many partners at dances. Class A women only dated Class A men and so on. I find this Rating and Dating Complex Scale fascinating because it explains how my own parents and their generation made decisions about mates which influenced how they guided their children.
During the 1940s to 1960s there were levels of dating that were standardized. Steady dating was an intermediate form between casual dating and engagement. In the 7th and 8th grade there was group dating; 9th to 10th grade, casual dating; 11th to 12th grade, steady dating with one person; college, pinning/engagement; ages 19 to 21 for women and 20 to 24 for men was the age of marriage.
Today, there is less pressure to get married so many participate in group dating for a longer period of time. There is an increased opportunity for sex without marriage, so dating is something one can do and still be socially accepted. Women take the initiative more often, and dating as a whole is less formal. There is also a lack of set pattern of progression as not everyone has a formal engagement and then a marriage.
There are many reasons to date today. Recreation is important to just go out and enjoy yourself. Some people date for companionship. Dating helps one to gain confidence in social settings and to try out gender roles. Personality development happens with dating as it influences our self-concept. It fulfills a need for love and affection, which we all have. It provides a means of sexual experimentation and satisfaction that is approved by our society today. It is still used for mate selection and as preparation for marriage.
Is there a difference in what we look for in a date versus a mate? When looking for a date the number one thing people look for is physical attractiveness. What people look for next is the ability to be intimate and to remain loyal. In addition, energy, health, social status, and resources are important. For a spouse, people look for love, affection, and honesty.
Where can you find a date? Bars are used to escape boredom and loneliness, a place to relax and have fun, and to socialize with friends and to meet a partner. They can also be sketchy. Watch out for people that will take advantage of you and even use date rape drugs like GBH.
Another place to find a date are the personal ads in newspapers and magazines. Here you have to be careful, because not everyone is truthful. Men lie about their finances and women lie about their physical appearance.
Dating services also help people find dates. Here you get to check out the person before you actually go on a date. However, your opinion is probably based solely on physical appearance and you may miss out someone terrific because looks hinder your search.
Personal computers allow people to get to know one another before they actually meet. The movie You’ve Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks was a cute story of a couple who meet online first and ultimately fall in love, but in real life they are arch enemies. Even Rush Limbaugh, the conservative talk show host, met his latest wife on the Internet after she emailed him. There are hundreds of web sites devoted to match making. Here are two such sites:
http://www.match.com
http://www.cupidnet.com/cupid/
As gender roles change in our society the changes are reflected in our dating patterns as well. Females now initiate dates and pay for them. This is one way to eliminate male control over the date and the expectation of sex. There are several ways that are thought to be the best way to initiate dates such as offering emotional disclosure by talking on the phone or in person and spending time with someone. Another way to initiate a date is to simply be direct by asking politely, using appropriate gestures of touch, and giving thoughtful gifts. The third way is to manipulate the setting by just showing up. The worst way to initiate a date is to show off your material resources.
There can be problems with dating. The most frequent problems reported by women were unwanted pressure to engage in sexual activity, the decision of where to go and what to do on dates, communication, sexual misunderstandings, and money. The most frequent problems reported by men were communication, the decision of where to go and what to do on dates, shyness, money, and honesty/openness. In 1983 there may not have been as many choices for places to go and things to do as there are now, so that may explain why this was a problem listed by both women and men.
When people are dating they are on their best behavior. They are trying to put forth the best image possible. Here again, men tend to deceive about commitment levels and financial resources and women deceive about physical attributes. Women expect more deception than do men according to the research.
When couples have sexual relationships outside the dating relationship they think that their partner’s sexual relationship is more hurtful than their sexual relationship. In truth both hurt because the level of trust and honesty are important in a dating relationship.
Another problem that occurs is that one partner is more serious than the other. New romances expect their relationship to last longer than it actually does. Women are more likely to have second thoughts than men.
Closeness and distance can both be problems in a dating relationship. Both are important also. You need to give up some autonomy to be a couple, but you need some space in order to stay true to yourself. The problem comes in trying to get that balance. Women tend to want more closeness than men. Your early attachment style can also affect your desire for closeness.
More about “attachment” in future blogs…