So, I am at the dentist waiting to getting my teeth cleaned and pick up the latest copy of Better Homes and Gardens. Seems I only skim though that magazine in the dentist’s office… The recipes can be fun, and there are a few ideas worth noting, but this time I found an article that was really aligned with all that I have been writing about regarding children and the start of the new school year.
The author and the professionals she referenced have concluded that we need to teach more than the Three R’s in school. They propose that there is a fourth R (resilience) that is extremely important and necessary to raise a successful and healthy child/adult. The belief is that if we want to raise a smart, confident, and capable kid (which we all do), we must give him room to take risks, make mistakes, and learn how to bounce back. Hovering and protecting doesn’t help to strengthen resiliency skills!
Such an article in a popular magazine thrilled me — I have been telling my clients this for years! When we do too much for our kids, protect them from pain and disappointment, we rob them of the opportunity to understand their weaknesses and vulnerabilities and figure out how to work through them. We rob them of the experience of trying to solve their own problems, we rob them of understanding the trial and error process of finding solutions to dilemmas, and sadly send them out into the world ill-prepared to cope with the steady dose of disappointment and set-backs that we all face in our adult lives. It is our job as parents to set the stage for our children to learn these skills of resiliency, and when we overprotect them (even though our intentions are good), we truly do them a disservice.
It is discussed in the article how research now shows that the self-esteem movement has actually shortchanged our children, leaving many high on gold stars but low on the kind of resilience that helps them bounce back when they don’t get selected for the basketball team, get an “A+” on a test, or get a part in the spring dance recital. One researcher, Carol Dweck, Ph.D., found that children whose parents praised them for being smart do not do as well in school as kids whose parents praised the for their effort. Tamary Chansky, Ph.D., author of Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking states that “…stepping in to fix every dilemma doesn’t give children an advantage. It actually stops them from learning how to handle difficult situations.”
As parents we need to really think about what we are trying to help our kids accomplish, and consider that we may need to “flip our script” on how we handle our children when it comes to learning to deal with the hard knocks of life. We have to coach them to be patient and careful problem-solvers and applaud their effort. Any success is something they should earn in their own rite, and feel proud. They should learn to feel equally proud of how they managed any obstacle or set-back they worked through. The experiences that foster resilience are what contributes most to a well-adjusted and self-confident human being.
Reference:
Schipani, Denise. The Fourth R: Resilience. Better Homes and Gardens, pp. 214-220. September 2013.