We meet someone and discover many good things about them… They are smart, and kind, and honest… But is it possible that such a relationship could meet all of our needs and wants?
People are not perfect, so relationships cannot be perfect. And even if we meet someone who has many qualities that we value and desire, and we hope that they could somehow be our forever “soul mate,” they could never measure up to everything on our long list of expectations. If our list of expectations is even realistic…
Like all humans, even those who seem to be a good fit for us, they come with baggage. Like you, they have good days and bad days. There will be things about this person that are not all you hoped for or that you do not like very much. There will be flaws and imperfections. But if you heart is open and you know this person honestly and freely, accepting them as they are, they can be right for you.
John Gray, Ph.D. shares the following metaphor…
“When a caterpillar makes its transformation into a butterfly, it is not an easy process. The little butterfly struggles to break free of the cocoon. In that very process of struggling to get out, the butterfly exercises its wing muscles and builds up the necessary strength to fly. If you compassionately cut open the cocoon to make it easier for the butterfly, it will never gain the strength to fly. Instead it just dies.” A soul mate should not make our life painless. If they did they would rob us of the opportunity to grow strong as our own person.
But, Gray continues… “If your life partner did not challenge you in some ways, the best would not be drawn from you. Soul mates are the perfect partners to bring out the best in us, and sometimes that is done by having to work through issues. In a marriage (and certainly any enduring relationship) you have to overcome all kinds of negative tendencies — being too judgmental, critical, selfish, compliant, demanding, needy, rigid, accommodating, righteous, doubtful, impatient, and so on. A soul mate gives you the opportunity to rise above those tendencies. When your dark side surfaces, you become stronger and more loving by exercising the love you feel deep in your heart, determined to resolve an issue. In this process, your soul, like the butterfly, has a chance to fly free.”
However, if you are a person who expects perfection in relationships, you may find it difficult to be satisfied with any one person unless you are first willing to open your heart. Opening your heart is scary, leaving you vulnerable, subject to hurt and rejection, forcing you to face your dark side. Yet only in taking these brave steps along with another that you trust can you grow to be all you can be…
Perhaps it is actually an imperfect person that you ultimately discover is your true soul mate…
Reference:
Gray, John. (1997). Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship. Harper-Collins Publishers.