“A family, like a canoe, must be steered or paddled, or it won’t take you where you want to go.” ~ William J. Doherty
William Doherty believes that it would help our families and enhance relationships within if we could transform some family routines into family rituals. Rituals, as I mentioned in a recent blog post, are so important in terms of solidifying family connectedness and generating a sense of belonging for members of the group.
Family rituals give us four important things:
- Predictability
- Connection
- Identity
- A way to enact values
There are two significant principles that have the potential to undermine developing and maintaining family rituals.
- Time demands outside of the home
- Electronic technology inside the home
For example, many families want to keep the family dinner hour as a sacred ritual that they can count on and look forward to. Yet, with our lives growing busier with each passing year, and all members involved in multiple activities outside of the home, plus the demands of employers often fueled via “always-on” technology, many households find that the family dinner ritual happens rather infrequently. Or if it does happen, it more often than not can be disrupted and fragmented.
For many, electronic technology is the part that has taken over the house, like the stray cat, who has moved in without invitation. Unwelcome. Unwanted.
Family, however, can decide for themselves, and should, based on their own traditions, values, and circumstances, how to best ritualize their lives. Maybe that family dinner hour has become an impossible ritual to follow, but morning coffee before heading out for the day might be an alternative. Or perhaps sharing jokes during lunch hour via text or phone. In addition, using any normal family routine, such as doing dishes or laundry, running errands, or shared recreational activities, and adding a special twist to making the routine special and unique, has the potential to turn on old routine into a new and meaningful ritual.
One family ritual I remember from my father’s family of origin took hold during the years when the nine children were moving out of the family home and starting lives of their own. Each read the local newspaper, and they made it a point to clip “funnies” (as they called them) and send to another family member based on interest and style of humor. So, when my dad got a note in the mail with a cartoon or joke inside he would smile and chuckle, knowing that he was connected to his large family network. He was reminded that he was loved and appreciated, and in some ways, understood by his family. I always thought that was a special and creative ritual to maintain given the distance between the siblings and their busy lives.
Tell us about family rituals that you have discovered as your own life has been affected by time demands outside the home and electronic technology inside the home. How did you figure out how to make it work for you?
Reference:
Doherty, William J., Ph.D. (1999). The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties.